Finding a Fit (part 1)

I wrote this story a few years ago. I’m going to post it in several pieces over the next week or so.

Jeremy needed to do something to salvage the evening. His urgency was about more than just this night or this moment. It was about more than continuing his connection with Amanda. He needed to do something to preserve her fond image of him. He needed to know she understood what happened and didn’t begrudge him. More than anything, he couldn’t let the evening end wondering what she was thinking.

As he walked Amanda downstairs, Jeremy considered what to say. He worried he would overdo it and draw unnecessary attention to the issue. She didn’t seem upset. He wanted to take advantage of that. Talking about next time could take her mind off the evening’s debacle. He could get her to commit to another date. Maybe he should reference some earlier part of the evening. They had been laughing together all night. Her body language was hard to read now and she wasn’t saying anything. Despite this, he thought he still had a chance.

Though the atmosphere felt right while they were descending the stairs, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. They had been so close just an hour earlier. Now he couldn’t figure out how to bridge the distance. He told himself this distance was in his head. He was ready to say something to that gorgeous, still-grinning face. However, the moment they got outside, he realized he had lost her. She had been polite. She had hidden her frustration. When she turned to him, her grin was different. It was condescending and smug. She wasn’t going to talk with him again. He had wasted her time, and she was annoyed about it.

“Thanks for coming over tonight,” Jeremy said. “I really had a great time with you.”

 Amanda didn’t say anything in response. She just hugged him and kissed his cheek. He wasn’t sure how to take the kiss. As they hugged, he thought he heard her say, “You too,” but a bus passed just at that moment and obscured her words.

“Let me know about next week,” he said as they broke the hug. He heard desperation in his own voice and wondered if she heard it too.

 Amanda smirked and nodded. “Okay,” she said. “See ya.”

She was half-turned and beginning to walk away as she said it. Jeremy mentally replayed his plea to her as she strode away from him. The desperation stood out more than anything. It was sadly comical. Was that the best he could do? He had asked her to be in touch with him, rather than saying with conviction he’d be in touch with her. Even in this he was emasculated. Maybe this whole evening was the best he could do. He felt devastated.

He knew he would never see her again as he watched her strut towards the train station. The train station! Why didn’t he offer to walk her there? How did he miss that? It didn’t matter. It wouldn’t have helped. She seemed to be in a sudden hurry. Offering to walk her may have come off as more desperate. Watching the swing in her hips reminded him of what he would never see again. Chances like this were so rare. Pain like this wasn’t

Jeremy watched for a few more mournful seconds before rushing back upstairs. He had to erase this as quickly as possible. His first impulse was to email Amanda with some kind of apology. For nearly thirty minutes, he pored over the phrasing of a fifty-word message. He saved and resaved it a dozen times. The message had to be completely positive. It couldn’t be a weepy apology. He couldn’t make himself appear weaker. For all he knew, he had misjudged. Perhaps this wasn’t an issue for her. He couldn’t convince himself of this. Hitting “send” had finality to it. This would be their last interaction. He doubted she would even read it.

He could hear her telling her friends about him. “I thought he took a long time getting up,” she’d say. “I was worried he wasn’t into it,” she’d say. Her friends would listen, eager for their chance to rip apart this guy they didn’t know. She’d start to laugh with them, feeling totally over her disappointment and comforted now that her friends thought he was pathetic, too. “But this guy just had nothing. I make other guys rock hard when I blow them. They’re usually hard before I get their pants open. He kind of got there, but as soon as he started fucking me, it just like folded up inside me. It kind of hurt. I was like, ‘Just, just stop already.’”

She may have been texting a friend about it while he stared at his monitor. Wondering what she was thinking and wondering what she was saying to others put him on edge like nothing else could. He had felt this agony before and knew how long it would last. The sting was too familiar. He knew what it would do to him. Sleep was out of the question. Tomorrow would be a wash. Why did he bother to keep trying? Why did he keep putting himself in this spot?

Jeremy had to take other action. He had to stop thinking about Amanda. He couldn’t sit there and stew in this. Porn wouldn’t help. The sight of hot women getting off on hard cocks would make him ill. Going back to the dating site on which he found Amanda wouldn’t help. Each time had turned out like the time before. He could get his hopes up, but not his cock. Maybe he needed to try a new intervention. He had explored a multitude of herbal and medicinal erectile dysfunction remedies. His little yellow pills hadn’t been helping him. Diet didn’t help. Exercise didn’t help. Once again, he scanned all the pages he had bookmarked. This was more desperate than his plea to Amanda, and more hopeless.

Hours into a search for some way to preserve his dignity and end the obsession over his failure, Jeremy landed on another kind of dating site. The site catered to kink. It got him thinking. He couldn’t manage any kind of worthwhile sexual relationship that relied on his cock. Maybe he could try one that didn’t. What if he could find a partner who was seeking something totally different? What if he could compensate some other way? One profile caught his attention…

More to come soon.

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